Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You Might Also Like
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
what does he know…
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.