Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Orange cat behavior 😂
they split up moments later
