Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor