Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times