Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute