Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

Perfect

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Breaking news:

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

when someone rings the doorbell

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”