Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
PARKOUR
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.