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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Short story
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Extremely relatable.
boys are so easy to impress