Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.