Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”