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Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
If snakes were wide
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.