Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
a lot to unpack here
Finally, an explanation.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
