Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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broke down and did it
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.