Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
When they try to steal your moment.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Pat is about to own someone
