Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I will never stop laughing at this
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open