Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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[shakes fist at other fist]
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Ape together strong
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Mountain Goat : )
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???