Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

The Struggle

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks