Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.