(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.