(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’m not proud
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
dutch so unserious
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire