Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

handsome & gretel

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Expect the unexporcupine.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.