Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”