Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Pretty much! 😂👀

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

I feel attacked.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex