Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.