Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
You Might Also Like
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
lmao😭🤣
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.