Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I’m not sorry.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
the noise i just made
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers