Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?