Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Seems legit
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.