Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
me linking you to my twitter
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.