Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Happy Friday
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.