Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“you changed” bro i was 15
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
