Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
this made my day 😂
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.