Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
What number SPF blocks people?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Meowchelangelo
