Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome