Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Got a light
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
This could be us… but you playing
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*