Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.