[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
make up your mind
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon