[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
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Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
OH. COME. ON.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
oh she’s cooked
