Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*