Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.