Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

😂

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

What if all the cashiers are married?

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.