Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Me when my alarm goes off

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

saw this in a dream

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.