Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

What?!?

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea