(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
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What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Hmm 🧐
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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
mentally somewhere in italy
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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking