Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Hmm 🧐

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it