Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

No. YOU-buprofen.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton