[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
everyone’s a critic
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.