Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Note to self: always read the final line

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.