(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
this isn’t threatening at all
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no