Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.