Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.