(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.