(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You Might Also Like
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Cha-ching is my safe word
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.