(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!