Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

*watches the world burn*

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.