Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
#oldknees
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…