Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Alexa: *deep breath*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.