Seek kebab; not attention
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea