Seek kebab; not attention
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.