Seek kebab; not attention
You Might Also Like
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Somedays I just love AI so much
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s