Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Fights fire with marshmallows
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
black phone good
