Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
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Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Britain be like
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.