Seekh Kebab
Not attention
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*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
work smarter, not harder
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.