Seekh Kebab
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Challenge accepted.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
