Seems a bit forward
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Best spot.. 😅
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.