Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
You Might Also Like
Just ordered me some pizza!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.