Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Breaking news:
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Well, shit
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.