My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
just having fun
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it