seems fine
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
thanksgiving in nutshell
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Joseph Smith, 1833
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
marvel comics have peaked
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out