seems fine
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
