Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating