Seems kinda suspicious
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.