Seems kinda suspicious
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!