Seems legit
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Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items