Seems legit
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie