Seems legit
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
